You are probably thinking oh, goodness what is she on about. I am talking about Marriage & Love today, please clap for me. I say that with some sort of smirk. In Nigeria we are quick to talk about relationships and what to do to get married and stay married. Then the most recent trend has been the horror stories of married people that are being circulated on blogs. I read a particular blog that has “chronicles” on a daily basis, and i tell you, i always just sit there and wonder if every marriage is bad, or people are just bad. I don’t know the answer, but i know a few things are off.
There is an unnecessary emphasis on marriage without enough emphasis on a happy marriage. I say this because everyone is always on about getting married, without asking whether or not you are equipped to deal with the things that come with marriage. Marriage can be a minefield, likewise it can be filled with peace. I married relatively late by Nigerian standards, i have friends that have 10 year old children – go figure. I have always been stubborn and had called off a previous engagement in 2010 – my spirit didn’t feel right, and the person i was with wasn’t about me, he was about some life he thought he would have marrying me. The level of insult and ostracizing that i experienced, i could probably fill up a book. My father was the primary person who encouraged me to walk away provided i was confident in my decision. My dad had paid for a hall and had already given money for aso-ebi, they were getting ready to distribute the invitations when i pulled the plug.
I couldn’t have been gladder i made that decision, if not by now i may have been a murderer instead of the person blogging and finding God more and more each day. I would probably have been in jail, maybe writing from Jail – I doubt Nigerian Jails give access to technology though. I dated a few people after that, some felt outright wrong, some others disappointed me, and one left me shattered. I didn’t do anything special when i met my husband, matter of fact i was more loosey goosey than anything else. I really didn’t care and i read him a riot act when he said he wanted to date me. I am surprised he didn’t run away. There was no 25 tips to hook a man in practice, i was emerging from bitterness, and he made for good company. I would spend five hours sitting and gisting with him for hours on end and then look at my watch and it would be 1am and i would realize i had work the next day. I was really care free about the whole thing and to be frank, there are many days that i am surprised he married me, in that he had good conviction even when i was not sure what i was trying to do.
The primary thing I always tell anybody is to define who you are. People that don’t like who you are will find a way to remove themselves from your life. People who think they might like you will work on getting to know you better, and those that know and value you will keep you close. It applies to all relationships in our lives. I am all for teaching a child about self value, because if you have a healthy sense of self value – many things will be a lot easier, such as identifying love as opposed to lust or any other random emotions that make us place ourselves in situations that are glaringly dangerous.
I am trying not to make this post too long.. I will continue it with a “things i learnt in marriage” post, hopefully before the 20th.
The pumps are still Here