*Singing no flex zone, they know better*
This hasn’t been the most gracious of weeks, someone dear to me has been hospitalized for four days and is in a lot of pain, pain without diagnosis. I spent the whole day Monday between the hospital and a family member’s trying to play a supporting role. When you see a grown man cry from pain, then you know it’s unbearable. May God keep us all.
Today’s post was supposed to be many different things, it ranged from marriage to Nigerian hospitals/ doctors, to simple gratitude. I will write about marriage instead. Why? Because I never really talk about it and I read too many sad stories that touch about marriage on the many different blogs I read.
I will start with the “made on Instagram” marriages, horror marriage stories in reality, but on Instagram – you would be like OMG her hubby took her to Wimbledon? WHAATTTTT! We have all generally have that one friend or more, who is constantly complaining about her husband, but then turns around on Instagram to shout ‘turnt up with the hubby at Nascar”, “weekend in South of Spain”, or “weekend shopping on Champ de Elysee with le hubstar”. Yes those people who are really quick to put their relationships in the face of the world, be it good or bad, they aren’t cautious those they confide in etc. And they get mad when people talk about them.
Now I know there are days in marriages that your partner makes you so angry that you look over at them and consider pushing them off the bed. It happens to me, its called living with the roommate that will never move out. Now I make it a point not to rant to everyone around me about it, and I almost never criticize my husband in front of, or to anyone. It not because I have nothing to say, I am learning tolerance and acceptance. He is not perfect, so either I correct the issue if it’s worth correcting or just ignore it and I feel better after a while.
I married older at the age of 32, my marriage is pretty uneventful. In that, we don’t have any infidelity (at least that I know of), we don’t fight over money (not because we have a lot), we don’t fight over responsibilities (not because we are both not independent), we generally don’t have power struggles and we laugh a lot together (mostly because I encourage my husband to be foolish with me). My husband has a home office, sometimes I run in there naked just for the heck of it, to get a rise out of him. Sometimes I pick up his phone and hide it in the kitchen etc. It keeps things light hearted around the house, and it temporarily helps us forget our sorrows or the things we want but don’t currently have. I also do a lot of work currently from home, still doing some consulting work and trying to get the school up and running at the same time, so I am a working housewife for another 2 or so months. We are in each other’s space quite a lot, but conflict is minimal.
Now I am going to talk about people, notice I didn’t say gossip. So a while back a friend told me about how her husband doesn’t pay any bills – rent, school fees, domestic servant’s bills etc. She said she wanted to leave the marriage, but was worried what folks would say about her. The man in question is 10 years older. Now call me a gold digger, but why would I be with a man that much older than me, and have to pay for school fees for three children? Dude was a widower; he brought two kids into the marriage she brought one. Sorry but what exactly is the benefit of this said relationship? He cheats, she doesn’t know what he is going to bring home.
Less than a week after she confided in me and cried her eyes out, I told her whatever her decision, I would support her. So imagine my surprise when I saw “turnt up in Singapore, formula 1, I Love my hubby”- #superhusband etc. You catch my drift, I was weak. Instagram really messes with people’s brains; because she could have posted the picture without all the praises. I am beginning to believe that people who extol the virtues of their spouses or marriages publicly are lying. I understand love makes us weird people, but don’t we as human beings outgrow that senseless love, and start being able to almost rationalize love? I love my husband from the bottom of my heart, but I didn’t marry him because of love oh. I married my husband because he is very accountable, hardworking to a fault, diligent and consistent. If you know anything about me, my attention span is like that of a five year old, I need to do five things at the same time and I can be very undisciplined. I see my husband working at 2am when I get up to go to the bathroom, I remember to get up and accomplish tasks that I set out for myself. He makes me want to be a better and more structured person and I help him take life a little less seriously.
Next story is another one who her husband is in the club every Friday. Oh girl has decided to leave her one year old with the nanny at home and go to night vigil every Friday. I mean God answers our prayers anywhere we call him from, so why all this over the top? One thing I have learnt in marriage is acceptance, especially if that person showed you that particular trait before they married you. In this case either you dress up and follow the said husband or you pray in your house at night when he is out. But to endanger yourself on the road in this Lagos, at that time of the night?
My husband and I went to see one of his family friends after the “wedding”. This couple in their 50s gave different accounts of what a marriage should be. The man said, please be your husband’s prostitute, do not give him too much space, make sure you keep him engaged. The guy went on to say he trusted his cook more than he trusted his wife after 25 or so years of marriage. I think he felt she abandoned him after kids came along. The woman gave us the keep God first speech. When we left, we were both in stitches, because they gave total opposite advice of each other. On the plus side, the husband said he was sending us to Paris for a one-week honeymoon flight and hotel paid. Hubstar has applied for his Schengen visa, so we are waiting for that. The curse of Visa’s, let see if the trip will manifest, because with Nigerians we take things with a grain of salt. Otherwise it is looking like London and NY for Christmas – at least we don’t have to pay hotel for any of those places and hubstar has miles, so we will just cover the taxes.
Marriage not to be confused with the wedding, with the emphasis people put on it, you would think there is a house full of gold waiting for you. Truth is a good marriage is uneventful, boring at best, and the only way to get around that is to create some excitement yourself. If your life isn’t full as a spouse, you will never be fulfilled. No other human being can make you happy all the time. Hell, I can’t make my own self-happy all the time, talk less of another human being doing it for me. I said it to my mom, they need to preach this to young women, there is no magic in marriage, if you have a good husband, it is likely he is boring, predictable and highly responsible; qualities which don’t bode well for excitement.
Lastly, why do married people assume they know it all and are all of a sudden relationship guru’s? Some of the best advice I have gotten has come from single friends in terms of how to address certain issues. Because I got lucky or blessed to marry before them doesn’t mean they can’t teach me a few things. I thank God for friendships, some not all oh, as there as some people that think they want my life. I am done ranting.
The giveaway is still the necklace, please ensure you can get it from Ikoyi or it can be delivered to you in VI or Ikoyi! Or no one wants it? Should I cry or give something else?