Forgiveness is one of those things that is quite easy to preach but generally hard to practice. An unforgiving heart is a heavy and malicious one. I say this because I have been there. An unwillingness to forgive because we feel so wronged is toxic and thoughts which are mostly hatred filled consume us. I experienced this over almost a 6 month period whereby I felt so betrayed and broken by someone that my inability to see that if the person knew better they would have done better was overrun. Many good people came into my life during that period and I ran some off because I was too blind to see the role they could have played in my healing. Thanks to someone who remains a dear friend today – Snika, who was and is still very patient with me and who encouraged me to drain and develop a better relationship with God, I was able to let go of hatred. Yes I never thought it possible to hate, but it was a monumental turning point in my life. Fantasies of ruining another human being because of a betrayal of trust left my mind.
Anyways moving forward, this morning I was running through my usual blogs and listened to the audio of a woman whose baby daddy jilted her and married another woman. This took her by surprise, but the level of curses she reigned on him was like none I have ever heard. And you wonder does it make her a bad person or is she justified given the pain he has caused her? I am not judge in this matter.
In the most recent times my faith in people continues to dwindle. The people that you think might be there for you are flatly not even willing to remotely stand for you or assist you, when you are low. And sometimes you get into it with people who you care about and they say hurtful things to you. I used to be very clamish, not letting people into my space and not even allowing them do things for me. I started relaxing on that by trying to share things with people. But you ultimately have to wonder if you made a mistake sharing yourself with some of these people. My father’s nickname for me used to be “suffering in silence”. I guess it gave me peace to expect nothing from anyone and keep things between me and God. I am reverting back to that. Never been much of a sharer, certain life events made me that way, and it seems easier to stay that way. I was trying too hard either way.
Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday. I am gonna eat cake. Yes sir.