Just Don’t Do It

“GUIDE TO POLITELY ASKING SOMEONE WHY SHE DOESN’T HAVE CHILDREN YET:

1. DO NOT ask any woman why she doesn’t have children yet. There’s no polite way to ask this intruding, none-of-your-business, personal-information question. Maybe she got married a virgin and is trying to enjoy sex for some time; maybe she and her spouse are looking to be more financially stable before increasing their family; maybe they gave themselves a two-year time frame (for reasons they are not required to explain to you); maybe they’re having some difficulty conceiving. Whatever the case may be, they do not owe you children. Do not question them like their credit score is affected by it.

2. DO NOT tell a couple that you put their names in the hat when Pastor said you should give him names of barren people to pray for. That a woman hasn’t gotten pregnant or given birth doesn’t mean she is barren. Barrenness is not like a high temperature or allergies, IT IS A BIG DEAL. Don’t trivialize it.

3. The only people allowed to ask a family about their procreation proclivities are immediate family members. Finish. No exception to the rule. Even then, ask in love, and genuine concern, not for gist sake, in the name of ‘prayer request’.

I understand how Naija works – the natural progression of things is:

– Graduate from the University

– Start presenting yourself as marry-able material

– If you get a job in the process, make sure you’re not too successful so you don’t scare eligible bachelors away.

– Marry. – Get pregnant on your wedding night

– If your job is getting in the way of your wife/mother requirements, quit it. Your husband is ‘Tony Stark’, he can take care of everything.

Having children is not clockwork; that there are so many children born everyday doesn’t mean it’s not a challenge for some. Don’t force your questionable expectations on others with all those, ‘In 9-months time’ prayers. (I didn’t say Amen to any of those prayers at my wedding. Lol). Be kind to one another. I pray that all who are seeking the fruit of the womb will receive miracles in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

As written by my darling driend and a woman I admire very much “Mide”!

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9 Comments on Just Don’t Do It

  1. Nice write up. I only wish people would use their ‘common’ sense.

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  2. I totally agree with everything you have posted here. I believe pregnancy is a private affair between husband and wife. No other person.

    I do have some points/questions though.

    1. I have friends or cousins who have been married for a while (more than 2 yrs) and are yet to have kids….most are settled in their career etc. I just feel they may have fertility issues. I haven’t asked them why cos I feel it’s a private and even in some cases painful…but when I’m praying I do pray for them.they have no idea that I’m praying for them. I don’t think that’s wrong is it? I later heard one of them keeps having recurrent miscarriages. But of course she can’t go around telling everyone. You never know what pain someone is passing through.

    2. What do you feel about people who ‘hide’ pregnancies? I had a heated discussion with someone about it. She had disparaging remarks about women who ‘hide’ their pregnancies…but I was trying to explain that most of those women who do so, do it cos they may have had painful losses in the past….some don’t even know if the pregnancy will make it to 3rd trimester. ..so they want to go through the journey in private and at their own pace. It’s not necessarily because they feel witches are against them. It will be nice to hear what other people think.

    Sorry the epistle.

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    • Frida I person wont pray for pregnancy for anyone unless they explicitly confide in me that they are seeking. Some people don’t want kids, so your prayer might be more out of your own desire.

      Secondly as for hiding pregnancies- I have been pregnant once and it’s kind of a big deal for some people. You don’t know what conditions are in place surrounding the pregnancy. If it’s high risk etc. Some people just want to make it to the end of their pregnancy before saying anything. For me I had no major scares but I opted to be more quiet about it…it wasnt a secret but neither was I all over with pregnancy pictures. With a twin pregnancy at 33.5 – I can tell you that every week passed was a victory despite not having any serious issues. So I don’t think “hiding” pregnancies is an issue persay. I have someone very close to me who got pregnant after waiting 3 years into marriage as agreed upon w her husband. She lost the preg at 5 months. Of course the next preg she didnt announce till she was maybe 6 months and refused to even buy baby things. Can you blame her?

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      • Re: your 1st point…you’re right. Maybe it’s my desire that I’m projecting unto them (though it’s coming from a good place)..never thought about it that way.

        People are different though. I just remembered that I had a friend who was angry that I didn’t ask her why she wasn’t pregnant after 1 year of marriage. She felt I didn’t care. I thought then and still do now that it was a private affair.

        2. I totally agree with your 2nd point too.

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        • As for your friend, you should simply explain to her that you assumed it was a private matter and would tell you when she felt right about it.

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  3. People need to learn to respect other people’s privacy. that is how my yeye oga opened his mouth at work to ask a colleague a stupid question. in his words ” ah ah XYZ your marriage should be like 2 years and we haven’t seen anything, abi is it that you are not performing?” we all felt like slapping the idiot. what is your business with his performance?!

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  4. chrisyinks // August 2, 2017 at 22:34 // Reply

    I think we are being oversensitive with this matter.

    As a true friend, honestly asking about offspring in a new marriage shouldn’t be out of place. If true friends aren’t checking up on one when it matters most, then what’s the use of such friendship. That many may abuse the privilege of friendship shouldn’t mean one should, with a broad stroke treat all friendship as the same – we all know that isn’t true. God knows how many friends (simply because they asked and showed concern) that have been pivotal to informing couples of successful IVF or alternative means that aided conception for them.

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    • I disagree chrisyinks….people talk when they are ready to confide in someone. Such conversations are intruusive from a womans standpoint. If someone shares their story with you, they want advise. Otherwise the internet is there for research. Checking up on someone is asking if they are ok, and if they aren’t you hope that they will communicate it.

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