Nobody is Worth Your Life

Happy Monday everybody. How are you? There has been a recurring theme that i have consciously become more aware of as i get older. Domestic violence, aka spousal abuse aka wife/husband beating. We often tend to look at domestic abuse simply from a physical standpoint., but it also happens from an emotional standpoint.

I was reading and i saw another well publicised case of a woman who killed her husband in the United States – Delaware to be prceise. If you haven’t seen the story, kindly read it here. Red Lion Woman killed Cheating Husband. This woman must have reached her breaking point in that, she resorted to ending his life. The murder is like the tip of the iceberg literally in that, whatever is under the surface must have been so much that we cant even start to imagine.

Likewise everyday we hear of people who are beating their spouses in Nigeria. The Nigerian police in case you don’t know do not get involved in what we call domestic matters. They ask folks to go and settle the issue at home. You begin to wonder who is supposed to protect the victim be they male or female. You also start to ask questions of whether or not they were being abused prior to contracting the marriage. In some cases, the truth is yes.

Another chronicle i heard, a marriage lasted 36 hours here in this Nigeria. A yuppie half Nigerian babe married a village man associated with money. The marriage was on a Friday, it ended on a Sunday. The Sunday morning the man tells her he wants breakfast, the babe made him “continental” – pancakes etc. The guy dished her a dirty/ hot slap – he was expecting a proper African breakfast and he didn’t have the patience to educate his new wife on that. You now begin to wonder if she never made him breakfast before they went to the altar.

Speaking with a survivor of domestic abuse today, i was made to understand a few things

1. Victims are generally ashamed because sometimes they think they are the cause of the violence against them.

2. Unless a victim is ready to leave, there is very little you can do for them.

3. Our society encourages people to work things out irrespective of whether or not the lights are glaring as against why.

4. Victims of abuse hide abuse well most times and become dependent on their abusers for validation.

From where i sit, i believe the fight against domestic abuse is one to be fought by all. We stand to gain nothing by watching our neighbors and others suffer. Note i didn’t say go and break up a fight between a man and his wife if you have not eaten breakfast, before they turn you into the focus of the fight. I think many times we know when people close to us become shadows of themselves, and we have to be sensitive enough to know how to offer them a way out of their situation. I am not an advocate of divorce, but one thing i don’t believe in is change by abusers. Women are equally perpetrators of abuse just like men.

Another thing i have noticed is that a lot of abused women are wholly dependent on their spouses and often cannot leave. I hate to say it, but when there are children involved, you are better off staying alive to take care of your children than been 6ft under. If you know someone in these sort of circumstances, find a way to help empower them.

My final take on this is that folks need to invest more in the education and training of their female children. Women tend to marry up, meaning for every poor man, there is often a poorer woman in his house. That said, skills acquisition, an education to help get a job are necessary. A lot of our strength and sense of self as human beings come from our sense of worth. It has to be instilled in little girls and little boys that no one has a right to make them feel inferior, under-productive or worthless without their consent.

Nobody is worth your life, not even the child that one has carried for 9 months and birthed. The only creature worth your life is your creator.

Please share your thoughts on domestic violence- we all know its wrong, but what are the causes, the tell tale signs that someone is likely to be an abuser or is being abused etc.

NESTR

OAD

 

 

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15 Comments on Nobody is Worth Your Life

  1. www.thelmathinks.com // April 27, 2015 at 10:53 // Reply

    Tell tale signs? most times victims of abuse hide it well, if you’re not seeing the scars then it’s very hard to tell. I think its even easier to tell when someone is a victim of emotional abuse, because it’s their minds that’s being toyed with. They begin to withdraw and become shadows of themselves.
    I don’t think much can be done about it, like the person you spoke with said, they do not leave until they are ready to. Everyone who has been a victim of abuse, that I’m aware of, that was “removed” from their abuser, went back to them with their own two legs.
    That said, the police may not do much for victims of domestic abuse, which is most unfortunate, but there are a few good NGOs that help, rehabilitate and shelter victims.

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  2. Hello Everyone, Oyinda this is a good write up, just like your previous write ups. I’m not sure what actually causes domestic violence, but I think miscommunication could be one of the characteristics. However, just like you stated liberation from the oppressor is important most especially for those who are solely dependent on the other in the relationship. I have always been of the opinion that Human Empowerment and a great self image are keys to identifying our values as humans . No one should be violated, every one has a right to Life.

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  3. my very close friend was a victim of domestic voilence, but i never knew till she told me after the relatioship was over. i remember seeing her with a wound once but she gave a very brilliant story about how it happened. she was with this guy for more than 5 years, she was the one giving him money yet he was still beating her. she only gave us good gist about him. in our eyes, he was the perfect boyfriend. when i asked her why she stayed, she couldnt answer.

    i have another friend who is currently a victim of emotional abuse, there is nothing we havent done to make her leave the relationship but she keeps going back. shes not dependent on him for anything.

    i dont think most of them even know why they stay, its like one day they get a light bulb moment and decide for themselves to leave.

    i agree with you on building the self esteem of children from a very tender age. they need to understand properly how to be treated by anyone and also how to treat people.

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    • Hi Zoe, I’ve also had friends who have been victims of physical and emotional abuse who are not dependent on their partners…. say financially, but what about emotional dependence? I think it still has to do with the mind thinking that some sort of void in one’s life cannot be filled or maybe the fear of ‘the devil you know, is better than the angel you don’t know’. We need a constant and truthful evaluation of ourselves so that we can know when we are drifting away from our set standards. All in all, it takes the Grace of God.

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  4. Domestic violence succeeds majorly because the self confidence of the person being abused has been eroded. Some people in this day and age believe if their man doesn’t beat them, it means he doesn’t love them enough. Some believe they deserve it because it was their fault. These same men can’t lift a finger if challenged to a fight by a fellow man. Before a victim can be helped, they need to make up their minds to leave the situation. You can’t make it up for them. Some will say God does not like divorce. I also know God does not want you to commit suicide by staying in a relationship that could kill you. Some of these victims go to their men of God and they are advised to stay and pray for the man. The sooner they realise their life is important, they will not even care about what people will say if they leave their marriage. After all, it’s only someone who is alive that will hear what people are saying about you!!

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  5. Causes: Immaturity, Insecurity, Lack of self control, See abuse as the norm (Grew up in a home where abuse was the order of the day), Suffered abuse as a child

    Why people stay: Because they worry about what others will think or say, more than they worry about themselves. In naija the pressure to be a Mrs. is forcing loads of women to make irrational decisions concerning marriage.

    Solutions: We need LAWS. Naija is a jungle. Even with laws, you still have people acting like animals. Without laws, you have people acting like WILD ANIMALS.

    Another solution: Rather than pointing out the faults of the abuser, it might help to focus on improving the victims view of themselves. Remind him/her they are beautiful, they are intelligent, they can make it. Give examples of how the victim has overcome stuff, how they’ve been successful. If they can believe in themselves again, it’ll most likely make walking away easier.

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  6. Hi there Pynk, what is your email address please? I would like to email you about some inquiries re:your school.

    Thanks.

    E

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  7. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason worthy enough to allow domestic violence… It all boils down to the way the ‘abuser’ and the ‘abusee’ were brought up… Especially those who grew up with such violence being a daily occurrence in their lives… Here in Nigeria it’s mostly men who abuse the women and that’s because most women over worship the men.. There should be a limit to everything…. Another thing that could curb this like you rightly mentioned is empowerment and education of the female folk but then some women who went to school and are working still get abused… And sometimes when they are advised to leave the relationship, they defend their violent spouse….

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  8. I agree with you,no one is worth enduring abuse for.

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  9. Most men abuse women to prove a point, “I’m superior”. Other reasons are drunkenness, mental instability.
    There need not be a causal agent, one who is unstable who inflict pain on others for no reason.it’s a pity not much attention is given to mental illness(in this context) in Nigeria.
    One of the solution is to help couple get help, the victim should see a shrink, the abuser should do the same.

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  10. I’m always scared of people with temper issues because they are prone to being violence, might be wrong tho. I know there are ladies who feel that a guy who loves them can only show his love by beating them. A man who physical abuses a woman needs to be checked. I don’t support it even if the woman has a fowl mouth.

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  11. The syndrome of the devil you know is better than the angel you dnt knw makes people stay in abusibe relationships
    The fear that you may not have someone when you get out of the marriage or relationship
    The way you see your self also has alot to do with abuse…
    N like you said if the person isn’t ready to leave their no amount of help that will do
    No one is worth your life only God…

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