Happy new week to all of us. I wish you a better week than the last. And i really so hope your week is productive. Soo its like 6am, i have been awake for 3 hours, i have even woken my husband up for what reason, i really dont know.
Once again a topic i dont like to talk about much because most of them are unique. Did you guess marriage? Well if you did, then congrats you are on the same page as my brain.
When it comes to marriages, within this 1 week alone i have been the recipient of listening to borderline marriage horror stories, not violence induced but just in terms of people who have been married for less than 3 years. I have had 4 phonecalls from at least one party to these unions within the week. And sometimes i wonder why they call me, my attention span is shitty and i have my own so to speak demons. I dont have a perfect bella naija – swoon swoon marriage. Even though i think my yellow popsicle of a husband is “very smart in his awesome freckled handsomeness”!. Sorry i got sidetracked.
Something isnt working in marriages nowadays. Or has it even always been so, but access to communication and social media make it appear more pronounced? Or is it simply because i am in the marriage years that i am noticing? That said i will get to the point.
A lot of people especially in Nigeria have to go to counselling before they marry. So i want to ask what they teach there? Because you really have to ask if it has any impact? Should a different set of teachers say a couple married for 5 years or less be introduced into counselling as counsellors? Or ahould it be the 50 year old woman whom because she has been married for 25 years even though her husband cheated on her all through continue to counsel? I believe i have a bias towards counselling as i am not quite sure it yields dividends. As you can tell i found a way around counselling, i simply did a ikoyi registry wedding and followed it up with a destination wedding in Zanzibar complete with an Anglican priest so i still got married in front of God.
My next question is about expectations in marriage. What do people think they are getting into when they marry? After the all white aso oke and vera wang gang & loubs combo with his saville row suit and loubs, what are the expectations? Do our expectations get more realistic as we get older? Should people be over a certain age before getting married?
The one thing i kind of sort of know about marriage is that both parties can exist without each other, afterall they were without each other before they met. So one party doesnt quite need the other, but co – dependence has to be present. A healthy one at that along with a healthy dose of patience, respect and submission by both parties resulting in a cooperative spirit.
Only one of the 4 marriages involve domestic violence. And i have told the husband severally that he lacks self control and also told his wife nicely she has a leaking basket for a mouth- these 2 have separated so many times i would have millions if i was to bet on them. I have very no tolerance for domestic violence so i have opted to not take calls from either wife or husband.
Another one believes his wife watches too much love and hip hop type shows on top of her already bad attitude. Says he feels like he is married to a man and there is a power struggle and a lot of back talk etc. He provides very well for his family, claims he hasnt cheated even though they havent had sex since May last yr. They married August 2014 on a massive scale- the wedding she has always wanted and their son was born November. Part of the issue she is holding on to is chats where he said he wasnt ready and asked for an abortion. I told her if she wants to be a wreck to hold on to such chats, she will keep destroying a marriage she is to build. Husband is ready to walk, i have asked they see a therapist in America since the wife is based there and the husband goes every 2 months or so.
Third scenario – wife was breadwinner husband was trying to finish grad school. Married March 2014, Baby born August 2014, somehow in February 2015 she got pregnant. Husband said he didnt want another child yet to have an abortion. In the midst of it all, wife finds out its ectopic and on the same day she loses her job as her concentration had been scattered because of home problems. Dude moves out of the house.
Scenario four i already told you about last week.
For me several fundamentals arent in place. The desire to get married and stay married. The understanding that you are coming from 2 drastically different backgrounds and both parties have to adjust. Then that in marriage it isnt about right or wrong, its about having peace and to a large extent ending up with the marriage you create. Maybe this is old age talking in me? We have choices to make as to whether we have good marriages or bad ones, mediocre ones or fulfilling ones. It takes work, it takes knowing when to submit, when to literally fight for you marriage ( no reference to cheating or side chics- in Nigeria thats what fighting for marriage means ). I mean when to sit down, tell yourself the honest truth about the situation. Everyone deserves a healthy marriage, but are we willing to work for it by understanding our partners and putting their happiness first a good portion of the time?
I by no means have a perfect marriage, but i like to think of myself as being in a good marriage. I am wrong many a times, i am a professional fighter by bbm or whats app. I dont do screaming matches i fight over chat- its a psychotic move in opinion and i am really working on it. Lol. And i always apologise by same. However i always delete those chats because as a human being i tend to want to reference those and it does nothing good for the marriage. Things will be said in marriage, at times things will even be done- hence the preaching of patience and prayer. That all makes sense, but if self control and a determination to work at it are absent, what gives? Please share your thoughts….